I had an experience today that was so confusing, I might go as far as saying that it trumped all of my confusing experiences in the year 2008. While it’s only March in the year 2008, I believe that I find myself in more confusing situations than most, so I feel that this is impressive. But anyway, I came upon this confusing experience today during a visit to the post office.

It began when I walked through the sliding glass doors and went up to the rack and grabbed a priority mail envelope. I place the item that I am mailing in the envelope, and it dawns on me that something is fishy. The reason that I am at the post office in the first place is that I am returning an item that was shipped to me. So I have this sticker that I am supposed to put on the envelope that is supposed to pay all my postage. However, the priority mail envelope doesn’t appear to have the correct directions for attaching something like this specific kind of label. In confusion, I got in line.

Now, as some of you may know, I am certainly not a fan of waiting in line, especially when I feel I shouldn’t be (for example, when I am confused). I quickly realized that the post office probably has the slowest moving line imaginable. The thing that really kills it though, is that there is a table there that allows people to pack their items while waiting in line. So, once you step into line, you get all these concerned “I’m not going to finish packing my item before this person passes me, so I’m going to slide down the counter while they approach” looks. Right from the start, this befuddles everyone waiting in line, and it moves slower. Then, as you get closer to the counter, you realize that postal workers are probably the slowest moving people in the world. Even their eyelids move slowly when they blink.

I finally got up to the counter and began to speak with an employee to ask him about the specific type of shipping label that I had. So I asked him where on the envelope I should put the label, and he replies with “Oh, well you can’t put that kind of label on that envelope”. I think out loud to myself, “Okayyyy…..”. After a brief pause, the man tells me that all I need to do is purchase a special envelope from the store and slap the label anywhere on it. This sounds like a great idea to me, so I head over to the store. Once I get to the ‘Wall O’ Envelopes’, I notice that there is about 20 different kinds of envelopes available, all which look exactly like the one they guy behind the counter said I couldn’t use. At this point, I entered the stage of utter confusion, and approached the store counter, to ask which kind of envelope I should use. The ape-ish woman behind the counter rudely replies with “One of the ones over there”, and points at the ‘Wall O’ Envelopes’. It took a bit of coaxing, but I eventually got her to tell me exactly which one (and yes, it was unique, and I wasn’t crazy).

As I am stuffing my merchandise into the box, the lady tells me to be careful, because “if you rip it you bought it”. It felt absolutely wonderful to be treated like a small child with expensive stationery. So, after informing the woman that I am proficient in handling paper and can avoid ripping it, I seal the envelope and put on the shipping label.

You may have thought that the confusion stopped here, but alas, it continued. I walk up to the mailbox, and see that it prohibits mailing items that weigh over Thirteen ounces. I think to myself, “Great. Thirteen ounces. I can calibrate that in my head… not.”. So after a bit of (read: extensive) searching, hidden in a dark corner in the back, was a scale I can use. I weigh the package, and find that it was okay to put in the box. So I did, and I left.

This entire process took about 20 minutes. I feel that it was a little long just to mail a tiny envelope with a 3″ x 3″ box in it. My verdict here is that the post office over-complicates things to the point where it’s getting ridiculous. Why can’t I just wrap it in brown paper, put a stamp on it and throw it in a mailbox anymore? To all Quantum-Physics engineers out there at MIT: I am eagerly waiting email-like package shipping.

Yeah, I know. It changed. Chyrp was posing problems for me, and theming it was turning out to be a pretty big problem. It didn’t really want to play nice with any CSS… and I couldn’t find a way for it to just include posts into a design that I had already written. So, it’s back to wordpress for the moment.

For those in need of a few extra days on that project. I have compiled a list of more unusual excuses that will (hopefully, just hopefully) pull you away from that dog that eats your homework….

“Sorry I’m late, my frog died and began emitting an explosive gas that reacted with a spark in an electrical plug in my room, resulting in a reflection off of Venus and causing all of my clocks to set themselves an hour late.” (Men in Black reference, or just Daylight Savings time?)

“Sorry I wasn’t around last week. I was actually performing experiments in my basement that dealt with molecular fusion. I accidentally fused myself with my pet cat. A bloody, hairy mess, really.”

“Right, my paper… I meant to write it this weekend, however, when I woke up on Saturday, I was tied up in the back of a van en route to the Northern Territories. I was trapped canning an unknown substance in a castle snowed in by 15 feet of snow. I managed to grab on to the bottom of an outgoing van headed for New York. It’s a wonder that I’m here today.”

“I honestly meant to finish that science experiment, but it broke out of it’s container and got in a fight with my dog. We had to shoot it.”

“Boy Scouts… don’t ask (Don’t tell either)”

“Oh man, I got half way here and realized that I left my pants and my pinky fingers at home.”

“Now let me tell you something… I’m sorry, I thought the world was going to end after October. Stupid Fox commercials. (Dear Dane Cook. There is NOT ONLY ONE OCTOBER. THERE IS MANY. They have been happening once a year for as long as anyone can remember. It’s called a calendar. I’d blame Fox for making you say that, but seriously… why did you agree?)”

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you’re surrounded by idiots? I mean, I’ve been getting this feeling a lot lately, and I’m not exactly sure if it’s a feeling that’s correct or not. It’s just that a lot of stuff has been happening around here that makes me question my location.

For example, a resident in my hall was just recently caught throwing bagels at people’s windows. I don’t know where he’s from (hopefully nowhere near me), but I’m pretty sure tossing bagels is not a customary method of communication ((Although, Tossing Toast looks pretty cool.)). But honestly, what goes through someone’s mind before they decide to throw bagels at someone’s window? I’m just glad he decided that it was better than a rock… that would demonstrate some thought process as to if he would get charged for a broken window.

Next, reading is a skill you should use. If you don’t have a learning disability, don’t use the scan and read software. I’m not kidding, you aren’t going to comprehend what the computer is reading to you if you are off in another world with that PSP in your hands. If you’re too lazy to actually read something, what are you doing anywhere near higher education?

I’m not sure why I really care about any of this, but It’s odd that any of this stuff should come up. I guess in the future, if a bagel flies into my window, I’ll just toss a bucket of water back out. Hmm… probability of repeated behavior after a bucket of water has been dumped on you… I smell a research project.